The Kielbasa Caper: Italian Sausage kidnapped, returned lightly (a-)salted

Jonathan Daniel

Guido, the famed Racing Italian Sausage of Miller Park, was stolen and taken for a joy-wear(?) to bars in a small Wisconsin town two weeks ago. Two masked men returned the missing link mostly unharmed (and uneaten) yesterday. You really can't make this stuff up.

File this one down under articles that I really I wish I could be assigned to write:

Guido, the Klement's racing Italian sausage costume last seen a couple weeks ago adorning a bar hopper in Cedarburg, was returned Wednesday night after a day of media focus.

The hot sausage reportedly was dropped off at TJ Ryan's bar in Cedarburg.

Two men - one wearing a hoodie pulled tight over his face - lugged the larger-than-life link into the bar just before 8 p.m. Wednesday, plopped him on a bar stool and warned staff, "You did not see anything," said bartender Jen Mohney.

"Like I didn't just see two guys plop a sausage on a bar stool," Mohney said.

It's not quite up there with this article, in terms of scale, but it's still got just the right amount of WTF. I love how the writer sort of takes credit for its return with the "after a day of media focus" line.

One wonders how long it'll be before the police bring Randall Simon* back in for questioning...

There's a good Silence of the Lambs joke here, but I'm totally missing it...

I could spend the rest of this post grilling you with sausage puns -- lord knows I relish some good wordplay -- but I'd rather not mince words -- it's the wurst! -- so I'll just be frank instead. OK, I'm done now.

*Type in "sausage" as your search query at Baseball-Reference.com. Now try bad words. You're welcome.

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