Bryce Harper, Chipotle, Joshua Jackson, and secret societies

This is how I picture this going down:

FREE BURRITO SOCIETY

FADE IN

INT - Dark Tunnel - Night

Joshua Jackson takes Bryce Harper by the hand and gently guides him down a dark tunnel. There are flickering candles lining the sides of the passageway. Bryce looks scared. His eyes are wide and his hair looks like he just stuck his finger in a light socket.

Bryce Harper

Where are we going?

Joshua doesn't answer. He presses a finger to his lips and motions for Bryce to continue following. They reach an open area.

In this open area, a small but prominent group of people quickly encircle Bryce. He's scared. He reaches for his trusty bat to help protect himself, but it's not there. He tries to break free, but Joshua guides him back to the group.

We can recognize the faces of some of society's top figures - Barack Obama, Tommy Lasorda, Keith Olberman, and Rick Reily are there. This is big.

Bryce Harper

What's going on?

Joshua, clearly the leader, steps in front of Bryce, both of them dead center of the circle of famous faces. He reaches into his dark robe and pulls out an envelope. Without a word, Joshua rips the envelope open with force. He pulls out a card.

As Joshua hands the card over, we get a glimpse of it. It's a FREE BURRITOS FOR LIFE CARD from Chipotle.

As Bryce's eyes light up, Joshua speaks one sentence.

Joshua Jackson

Use it wisely my friend.

And with that, Bryce Harper was inducted into the Free Burrito Society.

FADE TO BLACK

That was way too much effort to simply convey the humor of a famous athlete getting a free burrito card from Chipotle, but that's how I roll. Also, watch Skulls. It's awesome. terrible.

Thanks chipotle for my free burrito's for life card! The best thing ever! I really appreciate it! @chipotletweets twitter.com/Bharper3407/st…

— Bryce Harper (@Bharper3407) March 19, 2013