How Soon Is Now, Erv?

[Finger spins around the click wheel, presses button, spins click wheel, presses play]

[Heavily reverbed strummed guitar with vibrato dances through a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre©. A slide solo line filtered through a harmonizer swells into the sonic picture.]

This doesn't sound like the theme from Charmed... Why do I never see what happened to Prue? I watch all the time. Never see the episode where Brenda leaves. Where have you gone Prue Halliwell? The nation turns its lonely eyes--

I am the son / and the heir

Yo soy el sol y el aire? Wait, el hijo? El hijo de Dios? Morrissey really thinks he's la bomba.

of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

Huh?

I am the son and heir / of nothing in particular

Mental note: necesito a ir al Hijo de Dios.

You shut your mouth / how can you say / I go about things the wrong way?

[Attention seized, stops thinking about Son of God.]

I am human and I need to be loved / just like everybody else does

[Raises brow]

I am the son / and the heir / of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

What the hell does that mean?

[Pauses iPod classic]

[Gets out iPad, opens Safari, goes to "How Soon Is Now?" page on Wikipedia]

Middlemarch?

[Stands, walks across room to bookshelf, procures Clasicos edition of Spanish translation of Middlemarch by George Eliot, opens to inscription]

[Reading inscription] Por mi hijo. Mama.

[Walks back to couch]

A shyness that is criminally vulgar. I should just call Mr. Moore. He'll take me back. He loves me. We can really do something this year if I get to go back to Kansas City. No Fister, no cry.

[Presses play]

I am the son and the heir / of nothing in particular

Hmm. There it is. Middlemarch.

You shut your mouth / how can you say / I go about things the wrong way?

Damn right. Jay and I are right. Fourteen-point-one was not enough. One year? [Shaking head] Not enough. Still, Jason got four and thirty-two. I'm better than Vargas. Come on, Mr. Glass. Let me come back.

I am human and I need to be loved / just like everybody else does

I just wish someone would call.

[Pours two fingers of Espolón Blanco into a tumbler]

Now would be nice.

[Throws down the tequila without batting an eye]

There's a club if you'd like to go / you could meet somebody who really loves you

Any club will do at this point. Houston? Seattle? Chicago? I could love you. You could love me.

So you go, and you stand on your own / and you leave on your own / and you go home, and you cry / and you want to die

I'm just out here. He was out here. Dios mio. Where am I going to play? I can't really wait 'til June. Necesito a lanzar ahora. Ahora.

When you say it's gonna happen "now" / well, when exactly do you mean?

Yeah, how soon is "now?" Someone just call.

[Looks expectantly at the lifeless phone on his coffee table]

see I've already waited too long / and all my hope is gone

[Nothing]

[A tear forms at the inner corner of his right eye]

I thought this whole thing about Morrissey singing about my problems was a lie, hogwash. What have I been doing with my life?

You shut your mouth / how can you say / I go about things the wrong way?

Goddamn CBA.

[The tear rolls down his cheek]

I am human and I need to be loved / just like everybody else does

Please, someone sign me. Jack? Dayton? Jimmy Duke? What the hell am I going to do? Where are the teams who need me?

[Pours four fingers of Espolón into his glass]