New Year’s resolutions for all 30 MLB teams

It’s almost time. Time for the insufferable new year; new me mantras.

Not to detract from your New Year’s resolution though. No, I’m sure yours is different and that you will accomplish it. The last thing you need is someone derailing your January optimism.

Perhaps 2017 is the year you learn another language. C’est bon! Or maybe you’ll get that gym membership and work hard at being a better you. Find a swolemate! Whatever it is, staying positive seems to be the key to accomplishing your resolutions. Surround yourself with positivity and don’t let anyone detract from your goals.

That’s why we decided to write up 30 different resolutions for each MLB team. The goal here is that these resolutions are ones that the fanbase can get behind. After all, if the fans are just going to be pessimistic, then why should a team even set a resolution? Let’s go, in reverse order of the standings. Because, of course, they need it the most:

Minnesota Twins

Let your general manager do their job with autonomy for one whole calendar year.

Tampa Bay Rays

With international free agents subject to a salary cap now, explore the international market vigorously.

San Diego Padres

Do that magic trick where you turn Yonder Alonso into Anderson Espinoza again. But without cheating this time.

Cincinnati Reds

Try to trade one of your star players for more than Jose Peraza and some breath mints.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Cut no fewer than 12 versions of your jersey.

Oakland Athletics

Finally watch that movie Moneyball. There are some good ideas in there.

Atlanta Braves

Find meaningful employment for Dave Stewart... Somewhere else. Preferably a team with a good farm system.

Philadelphia Phillies

Maybe use those September call-ups on exciting prospects like the ones you have currently in your system.

Milwaukee Brewers

Please make that Ryan Braun for Yasiel Puig trade a real thing?

Los Angeles Angels

Do not waste the best age-25 season a player has ever had.

Colorado Rockies

Don’t look now but your outfield... It looks kind of crowded right now. Resolution inferred.

Chicago White Sox

I mean. The rebuild is looking good. The farm is probably the best in baseball. There’s almost no chance of jerseys being cut up or having to kick a teenager out of the clubhouse. Do you, White Sox. Do you.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Mend bridges with your star centerfielder. This season might get weird in the rumor mill quick.

Miami Marlins

Find a way to distract Jeffrey Loria. Maybe run some rare art shows during games?

Kansas City Royals

It might be time to part with those pending free agents. Especially considering the new draft pick compensation rules. This isn’t really a resolution... Ummm... *plays Auld Lang Syne*

New York Yankees

Follow Pinstripe Alley’s lead and pay back to the community.

Houston Astros

Change your passwords regularly.

St. Louis Cardinals

Try really hard not to do anything illegal.

Seattle Mariners

Place the ‘INITIATE TRADE’ button just slightly further away from Jerry Dipoto.

New York Mets

Prove to us all that life after Bartolo exists.

San Francisco Giants

Begin appreciating the existence of odd years.

Detroit Tigers

Let Kate Upton run your Twitter account.

Baltimore Orioles

In the instance of a do-or-die game, try to find a way to use your best pitcher before using Ubaldo Jimenez.

Toronto Blue Jays

Uncover the mystery of why Kevin Pillar hasn’t won a Gold Glove.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Let a pitcher complete a no-hitter or perfect game.

Boston Red Sox

Keep Dave Dombrowski away from the remaining prospects.

Washington Nationals

Find out why Bryce Harper tweeted ‘Wow...’ when you traded for Adam Eaton and not Andrew McCutchen.

Cleveland Professional Baseball Team

Finally part ways with that weird logo.

Texas Rangers

Exorcise your Blue Jays demons.

Chicago Cubs

Try Not To Suck Again.