It’s almost time. Time for the insufferable new year; new me mantras.
Not to detract from your New Year’s resolution though. No, I’m sure yours is different and that you will accomplish it. The last thing you need is someone derailing your January optimism.
Perhaps 2017 is the year you learn another language. C’est bon! Or maybe you’ll get that gym membership and work hard at being a better you. Find a swolemate! Whatever it is, staying positive seems to be the key to accomplishing your resolutions. Surround yourself with positivity and don’t let anyone detract from your goals.
That’s why we decided to write up 30 different resolutions for each MLB team. The goal here is that these resolutions are ones that the fanbase can get behind. After all, if the fans are just going to be pessimistic, then why should a team even set a resolution? Let’s go, in reverse order of the standings. Because, of course, they need it the most:
Let your general manager do their job with autonomy for one whole calendar year.
Tampa Bay Rays
With international free agents subject to a salary cap now, explore the international market vigorously.
San Diego Padres
Do that magic trick where you turn Yonder Alonso into Anderson Espinoza again. But without cheating this time.
Try to trade one of your star players for more than Jose Peraza and some breath mints.
Cut no fewer than 12 versions of your jersey.
Finally watch that movie Moneyball. There are some good ideas in there.
Find meaningful employment for Dave Stewart... Somewhere else. Preferably a team with a good farm system.
Maybe use those September call-ups on exciting prospects like the ones you have currently in your system.
Please make that Ryan Braun for Yasiel Puig trade a real thing?
Los Angeles Angels
Do not waste the best age-25 season a player has ever had.
Don’t look now but your outfield... It looks kind of crowded right now. Resolution inferred.
Chicago White Sox
I mean. The rebuild is looking good. The farm is probably the best in baseball. There’s almost no chance of jerseys being cut up or having to kick a teenager out of the clubhouse. Do you, White Sox. Do you.
Mend bridges with your star centerfielder. This season might get weird in the rumor mill quick.
Find a way to distract Jeffrey Loria. Maybe run some rare art shows during games?
Kansas City Royals
It might be time to part with those pending free agents. Especially considering the new draft pick compensation rules. This isn’t really a resolution... Ummm... *plays Auld Lang Syne*
New York Yankees
Follow Pinstripe Alley’s lead and pay back to the community.
Change your passwords regularly.
St. Louis Cardinals
Try really hard not to do anything illegal.
Place the ‘INITIATE TRADE’ button just slightly further away from Jerry Dipoto.
New York Mets
Prove to us all that life after Bartolo exists.
San Francisco Giants
Begin appreciating the existence of odd years.
Let Kate Upton run your Twitter account.
In the instance of a do-or-die game, try to find a way to use your best pitcher before using Ubaldo Jimenez.
Toronto Blue Jays
Uncover the mystery of why Kevin Pillar hasn’t won a Gold Glove.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Let a pitcher complete a no-hitter or perfect game.
Boston Red Sox
Keep Dave Dombrowski away from the remaining prospects.
Find out why Bryce Harper tweeted ‘Wow...’ when you traded for Adam Eaton and not Andrew McCutchen.
Cleveland Professional Baseball Team
Finally part ways with that weird logo.
Exorcise your Blue Jays demons.
Try Not To Suck Again.