The 7 best names in the 2017 MLB draft

A good name can make or break a career in baseball almost as much as a batting average. Okay, well, not really but it doesn’t hurt to have a super catchy, unique name while you’re slapping dingers or striking out the side. Here are the best names, the Danbsy Swansons and Mookie Betts’s of 2017 if you will, that you’ll see on the board during this year’s draft:

• Blayne Enlow, RHP, St. Amant High School: Enlow sounds like the main character in a dystopian novel that’s destined to save us all from horrible new MLB rule changes. “In a world where runs start on second during extra innings, one player will fight for the integrity of the game...” How will he fight to preserve out freedoms? His curveball, breaking rules and breaking speed all across the major leagues.
• Jake Burger, 3B, Missouri State University: Burgers are awesome (even in black bean form for this vegetarian writer). There are very few things that go better with baseball than hamburgers and hotdogs (which are not sandwiches, by the by), so this feels less like a coincidence and more like fate. Plus Burger’s bat is also a great companion to any team. It’s a win/win.
• Jeter Downs, SS, Monsignor Pace High School: I wish I was legally named Jeter. That’s just setting yourself up for a legacy of reinventing baseball. Well, that and his pure determination to play in the big leagues no matter what obstacles he’s had to encounter. Unsurprisingly, Jeter is a shortstop gifted with natural baseball ability. Insert Emoji thinking face here. Soon when someone says a play is “Jeter like”, we’re going to have to specify which Jeter.
• Logan Warmoth, SS, University of North Carolina: Basically, if Mothra played baseball. And who wouldn’t be afraid of that? Except now Mothra is an incredibly versatile player who can hit and field above average. There is arguable nothing more terrifying than a giant moth who slashed .355/.438/.609 and stole 15 bases this spring. Que Mothra theme song (do I sense the perfect walk up anthem?)
• Royce Lewis, SS / OF JSerra High School: Imagine the field day John Sterling would have with this name? The possibilities are endless. The Yankees should draft him for that alone...and also because his speed on the bases is nearly unmatched. But mostly for his name. (Royce is rollin’ in! Anyone still there? Anyone..?)
• Brent Rooker, 1B / OF, Mississippi State University: Another player of John Sterling’s dreams. Rook, line, and sinker. Boom. If you need a catchy tagline, I’m available upon request. You can just hear a stadium echoing with “Rooooooooooook!” cheers?
• Quentin Holmes, OF, Monsignor McClancy Memorial High School: He’s the detective 21st Century baseball needs. He’s been linked to the Giants, which would be a great way to start his first case: Quentin Holmes and the Case of the Missing Run Support. In a twist, he’s the culprit in the case of the stole bases, running an 80-grade speed and being the fastest baserunner, high school or collegiate level, in the draft this year.